So I’ve been a rule follower all my life. I made straight A’s, I stopped to look both ways to cross the street every single time as a kid, I didn’t rebel in high school or college, I come to a complete stop at stop signs and always use my blinker.
This following-of-all-rules was perfectionism in not-so-disguise. And perfectionism is assuming I can be superhuman, more-than, have ultimate control over my life. So you can never let your guard down, can you? Because when everyone sees you’re not perfect, when you can no longer base your worth on everyone else’s opinion, it all comes crashing down. With a very loud bang. Where did all this attempting-the-impossible-perfection get me? Well, in the middle of college – an eating disorder. And lots of lies I was believing about myself, my God, and what made me who I am.
Over the past 8 years, my sweet God has been prying my fingers off my illusion of control and instead placing His truth into my hands and my soul and my head. The real me is the me hidden in Jesus. The me that I’m really not is made up of lies and false belief. More and more, my reality is becoming His reality. And because He is the author and perfecter of our salvation, He is the one that keeps whispering Truth into me.
My worth is based on other people’s opinions…No sweet girl, your worth is based on who you are in Me.
My behavior has to be good for me to matter…You matter because I am in you.
If you follow all the rules, everything goes well…Circumstances don’t matter because you abide in Me. There is no formula for life in this world.
If I mess up, I am a horrible person…If you mess up, you look to My face for how valuable and loved and perfect you are. Behavior can’t change your position as Mine.
For so long, I thought if I could behave perfectly then I would be approved of – by God, by friends, by family, by strangers passing me on the street. I’m learning that real life isn’t about behavior – it is about knowing who I am and Whose I am. Every day, every moment I have a choice. I can choose to walk in my own flesh, depending on my behavior to get by or I can choose to rest in Him, depending on His Spirit within me to live and move and have my being.
If left to my own devices, I will screw it up. Bottom line. It may look good for a while and I may fool some people, but in reality I won’t be really living.
[...] chapter in the first half of the book that I love hate identify with the most. {I even wrote about being a rule follower a while back.} There’s nothing like having your favorite mask unveiled and then having to [...]
[...] I am was a rule follower, I lived in a world where I thought there were definitive lines. Big, black, bold lines of [...]
Kat, how grateful I am to see His transformation in you. As your Mom, I saw the constant struggles to be perfect in every way, lived with you through the eating disorder, but because I didn't know the Truth myself (that perfectionism and basing one's self-worth on others' opinions never works), I couldn't help you. And how I tried! Because I knew after a lifetime of trying to be all the different Pams that everyone else wanted me to be, that that wasn't working for me either, but I couldn't find a way to help you (or me!) out of that prison of performance.
I am so very grateful for the day I was put into intensive care and diagnosed with insulin-dependent diabetes. I know you've heard me say this before and it does sound crazy, but God knew I could never navigate through what was to come without turning my face toward Him. So He got my attention, and yours, and Dad's, and Merrie's, by bringing us all to this place of being so OUT of control, and so totally vulnerable, and then He spoke so clearly as I sat in that hospital bed. "I will never leave you alone." So simple, so brief! But with it came the absolute certainty that yes, that WAS God speaking to me, something I'd never experienced before. Then, as our family came to BELIEVE Him and even rely on Him, He carried us through your anorexia, Gran's death, extreme financial difficulties, loss of relationships and other painful events, one after the other. All the while, teaching us how trustworthy He is in ALL things. And He began changing each of us as He revealed the things, outside of Him, that we were relying on to get through life. Money, prestige, performance, perfectionism…
We'll never be perfect, though at times I personally still WANT to be, especially when it comes to my family, but what a relief it is to know that He has something better. I love how you said it. He says, "Look to My face for how valuable, how loved, how perfect you are…I abide in you… you matter because I live in you… your worth is based on who you are in Me… He keeps whispering Truth into me." Amen.
As your Mom I must say, with all my heart, once again, thank You for all You've done, Lord. Thank You for loving us so.