So I’ve been a rule follower all my life. I made straight A’s, I stopped to look both ways to cross the street every single time as a kid, I didn’t rebel in high school or college, I come to a complete stop at stop signs and always use my blinker.
This following-of-all-rules was perfectionism in not-so-disguise. And perfectionism is assuming I can be superhuman, more-than, have ultimate control over my life. So you can never let your guard down, can you? Because when everyone sees you’re not perfect, when you can no longer base your worth on everyone else’s opinion, it all comes crashing down. With a very loud bang. Where did all this attempting-the-impossible-perfection get me? Well, in the middle of college – an eating disorder. And lots of lies I was believing about myself, my God, and what made me who I am.
Over the past 8 years, my sweet God has been prying my fingers off my illusion of control and instead placing His truth into my hands and my soul and my head. The real me is the me hidden in Jesus. The me that I’m really not is made up of lies and false belief. More and more, my reality is becoming His reality. And because He is the author and perfecter of our salvation, He is the one that keeps whispering Truth into me.
My worth is based on other people’s opinions…No sweet girl, your worth is based on who you are in Me.
My behavior has to be good for me to matter…You matter because I am in you.
If you follow all the rules, everything goes well…Circumstances don’t matter because you abide in Me. There is no formula for life in this world.
If I mess up, I am a horrible person…If you mess up, you look to My face for how valuable and loved and perfect you are. Behavior can’t change your position as Mine.
For so long, I thought if I could behave perfectly then I would be approved of – by God, by friends, by family, by strangers passing me on the street. I’m learning that real life isn’t about behavior – it is about knowing who I am and Whose I am. Every day, every moment I have a choice. I can choose to walk in my own flesh, depending on my behavior to get by or I can choose to rest in Him, depending on His Spirit within me to live and move and have my being.
If left to my own devices, I will screw it up. Bottom line. It may look good for a while and I may fool some people, but in reality I won’t be really living.
Trusting Him to live through me. This is freedom on a cellular level, sweet friends. Real life.