“It isn’t natural to stay broken. I want to shake it better. I want to take it back to the store. That’s the do-it-yourself option, the one where I stay strong and put on a good front and think I can handle things. It’s the one where I try to avoid the messy at any cost. It’s the all-about-me option. And it doesn’t work. Turns out, there is another option. One called trust. And I learn what it is to fall to the ground like a seed, allowing the shell of my self-life to break apart so that the Healer’s life can burst forth.” {p. 180}
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1. There is a difference between closure and healing. In the midst of your broken places, are you searching for a mask, for closure, for control? Or are you desperate for a healer?
2. Jesus will bring us to the edge of self-sufficiency, an uncomfortable place where we have to choose what we will believe. This choice often feels like death: “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone…” There may be fear in the dying to those masks we wear, in the letting go of the false securities we have built up and stood upon for so long. But God, through Jesus, has overcome every kind of death, and he promises that “if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24). What is the fruit that comes from falling to the ground?
Well. I think it is quite appropriate that we’re in the “Remember” chapter of this book this week. :)
{Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2}
Oh, how we need to remember “what has already been revealed”, as Emily says. Remember that Jesus loves me. Remember my true reality.
The reality is I am safe.
My mind still lives in fear.
The reality is I am loved.
My mind still races to find ways to ensure my acceptance.
The reality is I have worth.
My mind dwells on thoughts of self-hatred.
So how can I get my mind to line up with my reality? To act differently I must think differently. Until my beliefs change, my mask will stay on tight. My mind needs to be rewired. {p. 162}
The battle really does take place in our mind, our thoughts, doesn’t it? To say no to our old masks, our old ways of doing things, to say yes to true reality, to who God says we already are.
I loved Emily’s sand dollar example. The Truth has been there all along. We just didn’t see it. “Our Spirits have already been made alive, but our minds have not yet caught up.” {p. 164}
And I love that she points out our minds set themselves in default mode unless we tell them otherwise. Shame seems to speak loudly in my default mind, my mind that doesn’t know who she really is. In my default mode, I “bypass the Spirit” and live life totally based on my own perceptions, feelings, senses, thoughts.
And yet, the Spirit is there to point out when we’re not receiving what He has to say. He’s there to lavish love, peace, and to remind us of who we are.
This is not about being your own thought police, working tirelessly to identify fleshly thoughts versus thoughts of the Spirit. He is the author and perfecter of our faith, after all. One of my favorite words of wisdom is from a speaker I heard years ago. He said as soon as he wakes up in the morning, before he even gets out of bed, he places his hand over his heart and says, “Jesus, you’re welcome here”. Or sometimes I walk downstairs into the living room and kitchen and say, “I want to enter into whatever You’re doing today.” However you say it, verbalizing truth at the beginning of your day can help to set your mind in that direction.
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{as always, you can answer as many or as little discussion questions as you’d like}
1. What is the difference between a positive self-image, a negative self-image, and a biblical self-image?
2. If we don’t set our minds on truth, they will automatically be set on untruth. What is your mind’s default screen saver? Fear? Worry? Self-importance? Shame?
3. Are you willing to receive your abilities from him and release your inabilities to him? How can setting your mind encourage you in doing this?
4. Do you ever get the sense that the place where you are hiding is unsafe? What keeps you from coming out? Consider the words of the psalmist: “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Ps. 91:1). In your daily life, are you experiencing rest as you walk with Jesus, or do you feel like you are stumbling behind just trying to keep up?
Well. This week’s chapter (chapter 12) is up and there is so much to talk about! However, this little post is going to be short and sweet because I have a sick little one who was up all night and this mama is t-i-r-e-d. So very tired.
In fact, I agree completely with Emily. I can’t do it. This mothering thing is eating my lunch today and it is only 9:15 in the morning. And yet. I have a “relevant Jesus, waiting with a smile to be himself in and through me.” {p. 143}
When I am this bone-tired and don’t have energy and have two littles needing anything I can give, I am not enough. But Jesus in me is. He is I AM. “I AM is my present reality and my only hope of freedom. Certainly, He will be with me.” {p. 146}
I’m going to “refuse to get up from His lap” today and know that “the riches of the fruit of His Spirit are made available to us in abundant supply.” {p. 147 & 150}
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1. When I was in high school and college, having a quiet time sometimes left me feeling as if I had accomplished something rather than related with a person. I equate it to working out: I don’t do it very often, but when I do I feel better about myself and slightly superior to those who may not have done the same that day. Have you ever been able to relate to this perspective of a quiet time?
2. Do you feel like a grown-up yet? In what ways has your perspective of time with the Lord changed as you have grown up?
3. God told Moses to tell the Israelites that I AM sent him. Read these synonyms for the word remain: stay put, stay behind, linger, wait, hang ab0ut, continue, endure, and hang on. These are all present, right-now words, much like the way God referred to himself with Moses. Does knowing that I AM is right now make any difference in the way you think about the course of your day?
Welcome back, lovely ladies! It’s the second day of spring, if you didn’t know ;) We are starting a new season in this book, too. We’re entering into the second half, the Part 2, the so-now-I-know-my-masks-and-how-they-stink-now-what phase. It’s gonna be good, y’all.
{Remember, you can click on the “Grace for the Good Girl book study” category under the “Categories” tab on the right and it will show you all the posts/discussions if you need to review or re-read.}
This introduction to Part 2 is called “The Finding”. We will cover chapter 11 {the first chapter in Part 2} next week. But be forewarned – it is so good but pretty hefty. So put the kids to bed early one night {you can claim any number of made-up charges} and read a bit extra! Not that I ever put my kids to bed early so I can do other things. Nope. Not me.
And if you’re gonna read a bit extra, you might as well read this little intro a couple of times, too. I just love how Emily writes and the Truth she speaks of.
“You have caught a glimpse of the God Who Sees. You know there is more to him than you once thought. And you know there is more to you. You want to come out, to let yourself be found by Love, to release your tight hold on familiar.” {p. 123}
She speaks of good girls who have to experience two rescues – the first at salvation when we were hidden with Christ in God, and the second one from ourselves and our own self-effort. Because “the good girl doesn’t know about this hiding with Christ. She does not understand the depth and breadth and height and width of this Lover who came for her, and so this rescue seems inadequate. She lives on the forgiveness side of the cross and then begins to work to earn the life.” {p. 124}
Umm, sound familiar? How many, many times do I work to earn the Life I already have!?
Oh, and then some of my favorite words. My sweet, wise friend, Chris, says this all the time…”You’re not this way. This may be how you cope, but this is not who you are.” {p. 125}
Get excited to discover who you really are as we move into Part 2 and Chapter 11 next week!
Hello again! I hope you all have had a great week! We are back on the topic of Grace for the Good Girl yet again with a discussion on chapter 10.
This is a turning-point chapter in the book. I love how Emily breaks down what happened in the garden of Eden and how how our spirits died because we chose to accept the lie. And then what that means for us on a daily basis.
“The only thing Satan could promise was something they already had. Because Satan had nothing new to give them that wasn’t already theirs. The only power he had was the power of the lie. If he could trick them into forgetting that they were made in God’s image, then he could get them to do crazy things, which is exactly what happened.” {p. 113}
And then she goes on to talk about guilt versus shame. So, so important to know the difference between the two. I like to re-read the section “The Hiding Place of Shame” {p. 116-118} from time to time to remind myself of that truth. And then I like to contrast that with “The Hiding Place of Grace” {p. 118-120}.
I love how Emily explains what happened at the Cross – that we died with Jesus; and then when He rose again, we rose with him. “We have been placed into safety…there is a new way to live. God says you already measure up in Christ. Al your needs are met in Christ…You are righteous because of Christ. Now you are free to live like it’s true.” {p. 120} Rocks your world a bit, doesn’t it!?
And then. One of my favorite reminders of all:
“God’s desire is that we live in freedom and drink from the wide, deep, powerful River of Life. The masks we hide behind keep us from experiencing the fullness of life the way we were meant to live it.” {p. 121}
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1. Can you think of any more “do-to-be” statements you have lived in your own life? Do any of these contradict what Scripture says has already been done? Ohmygoodness. I have to never yell to be a good mom. I must always be level-headed to be a mature adult. If I am always calm, I will be at peace. If I never lose my cool with my husband, I will be a good wife.And they all contradict Scripture. ;)
2. We have talked about the two trees in the Garden of Eden – the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Have you ever considered the fact that the forbidden tree was not just offering the knowledge of evil, but the knowledge of good as well? Why would God want to protect us from the knowledge of good? Because good is the enemy when it is our own twisted version of good.
3. Read Galatians 5:17 again. “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” If our mask represents our flesh, then is it possible to ever please God by living from behind it? Nope. Masks are never okay. God doesn’t love you any less when you wear them, but He desires the abundant life for us and abundant living is not found behind a mask.
Another week has gone by, and I have yet {again} to write a blog post besides the book study. Oh well and amen. Sometimes like is just like that.
Chapter 9 this week is all about “When It Gets Ugly: Hiding Behind Her Indifference”.
When it gets ugly. Hmm. More like “when I see the ugly that is always there”, ugly meaning the lies we believe about ourselves and our God.
And, oh, the lies believed in the story of the prodigal son. Big brother believing he is all self-righteous and rule-following and the judge of all fairness. Prodigal brother thinking he is full of shame and worthlessness and who am I to approach my father. And yet none of those brothers are correct in their thinking. Neither way is the truth. The truth is that this story is all about the Father’s love. Pastor and speaker Malcolm Smith says that he wishes this parable’s title had been “The Love of the Father” instead of centering around the prodigal son.
Because just look at the father’s response in this story. Judgement and condemnation and offense toward the son who ran away and squandered money and sinned simply are not there in the father. This younger son was operating completely independently from the father’s love, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think he had the time of his life for very long before it all went south. But. The father joyfully watches for the missing son every day and one heart-stopping day, he sees him from far off. He picks up his garments {revealing his ankles which was scandalous in those days} and runs to the son. The prodigal son’s behavior did not matter to the father. It didn’t change the father’s love for him one teeny-tiny bit or the father’s absolute-all-out-run-with-joy in redeeming him.
And look at the father’s response to the self-righteous son. “All that is mine is yours.” {Luke 15:31} The older brother, blinded by performance and doing the right thing and good behavior, was acting completely apart from the father’s love, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that he had all that his father had the entire time. Just because we act independently from God doesn’t mean everything He has and is and does is not ours for the taking.
As Emily points out, both brothers are operating apart from the father. Both are at the mercy of their own behavior and skills {or lack thereof} and small-seeing eyes. Both are wearing masks. Both sons have had available everything that the father has, but neither one chose to participate in it.
I love reading this story in Luke 15 with different eyes. Not centered around the prodigal son, but around the father’s response. Try it. :)
“The Father offered unconditional love and acceptance to both sons. I don’t have to figure out the mess. I do have to trust the One who can. He has always been with you, and all that He has is yours. Are you willing to step into the celebration and receive the gifts of your inheritance, or are you hanging around with the servants outside the doors?” {p. 106}
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1. With whom do you more closely identify: the prodigal son or the older brother?
2. What are your honest, unedited thoughts about the father in this story?
3. In what ways are you living like a servant rather than a daughter?
4. Have you ever felt like your good girl life has left you with an unworthy testimony because you haven’t experienced a period of rebellion? What makes a testimony worthy – the one rescued or the Rescuer?
Welcome back! Seriously, can y’all believe it’s been a week since we were here last? I think the insane wind blew away a couple of days this week or something.
{Click on the Categories menu to the right and select Grace for the Good Girl Book Study to see the previous chapters. Or click on the book study button.}
So we’re chatting it up about chapter 8 this week. This is the chapter that I was reminded about how many people-pleasing masks I wear but that people-pleasing isn’t about other people – it’s really about me. Big ouch. But, unfortunately, so true.
Emily says {when it comes to making choices}, “I weigh, I consider, I balance and reconsider, I obsess over what they would do, what he would want, or what she would think of me.” {p. 90} Umm, yes. The story of my life summed up in one little sentence.
And I love how she points back that all these people-pleasing masks enable us to live in our comfort zone and are completely rooted in fear. But. For real relationship with others and for real relationship with Jesus, “hiding behind a comfortable zone or perceived safety is not an option.” {p. 94}
And then. The words that God uses over and over again to bring down my mask of people pleasing.
“We may call it ‘people pleasing,’ but it is entirely self-serving because it is really all about keeping myself comfortable. Boiled down, it could be more accurately called ‘me pleasing’.” {p. 95}
Oh! And then the last paragraph of this chapter. I think I tear up every time I read these challenging words because TRUTH, people. Living inside my perceived little “comfort zones” makes me “unable to move toward people with interest because I am too concerned with what they are thinking of me…what if I was able to walk into a room and move toward others in freedom…before I am able to do that, I have to be convinced I am safe and that is exactly what Jesus came to do.” {p. 96}
This last paragraph of chapter 8 has so many truth-to-the-heart arrows. I’m adding my own discussion question about it because I think it’s so good.
Let’s discuss.
1. Which would you have chosen: the pencils or the activity book? What factors determine the choices you make?
2. Are you able to relate with the desperation and insecurities of the bleeding woman in the crowd from Mark 5?
3. In what ways might you be hiding behind your comfort zone?
BONUS: Can you identify with being unable to move toward others in freedom? What do you think Emily means by “I have to be convinced I am safe and that is exactly what Jesus came to do”?
Welcome back to chapter 7 this week, friends! {Sorry for the late post – I was out of town and traveling back most of today.}
Oh! Also, if you’d like to go back and look at previous chapters, click on the “Grace for the Good Girl book study” category in the Categories drop-down menu on the right sidebar.
So we’re in chapter 7 of Emily’s book and it’s titled “Can’t Fall Apart: Hiding Behind Her Strength and Responsibility”. Just like every week, this chapter seems to shoot word arrows straight into my soul. And yet my spirit shouts Amen!
This was one of those arrows:
[Responsible] means taking things on as my own that were never meant for me to take on. It is the false belief that I, myself, am the cause or explanation for the bad, uncomfortable, or dissatisfied people or circumstances around me. Likewise, it also means that I feel the need to prevent the bad, uncomfortable, or dissatisfactory circumstances from happening in the first place. {p. 80}
I feel responsible all the time for things that were never supposed to be my responsibility. My husband’s mood. My child’s crankiness. The feelings and responses of every.single.person I talk to, including the cashier at Target and the waitress at Chili’s.
And, just like Emily, I hate this weight of responsibility. “Why doesn’t anyone else fix this? Why do I have to be the one?…I don’t want to carry the heavy load of responsibility but when I’m wearing this mask, I don’t see any other option.” {p. 80-81} I really appreciate that she pointed out if feels like there is no other option when we’re wearing the I’m-responsible-for-everything mask.
But. God never asks us to take on all these responsibilities. He does the complete opposite. He want us to come directly to Him to carry these burdens and reject this do it yourself mentality. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” { 2 Corinthians 12:10}
I starred, underlined and stamped these words on my forehead.
Hiding behind a mask of strength and responsibility is a lonely place to live. That mask portrays to the world around us that we have it all together, that we can handle the mess, that we don’t need people, or worse, that we don’t need God…Once we admit we can’t manufacture circumstances, manage everyone’s opinion of us, or be the all-knowing counselor, then we will be eager to transfer our trust in ourselves to trusting in another…we have a God who sees and knows and loves no matter what. {p. 85-86}
Amen, sister.
Your turn! Remember, feel free to answer as little or as many of the discussion questions as you feel led to.
1. In what ways do you take responsibility for things unnecessarily? In what ways are you trying to manage outcomes from behind your mask of responsibility?
2. Can you relate with Kelly’s purse? In what ways do you need-meet for those around you?
3. Are you in the habit of teaching people you have no needs? How does it feel when they believe you?
4. What comes to mind when you hear the word weak? Is it a person? A point in time? A feeling? A memory?
5. Compare your idea of weak with 2 Corinthians 12:10: “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Welcome back, my friends, for another chapter in Grace for the Good Girl! {Go here for the previous chapters.}
This week, we chat about Chapter 5. Also known as the chapter in which we are lovingly reminded we are extraordinary. Did you hear that?? Extraordinary!
I can’t get over how relevant this was, for this week, for me, for the lies I was believing. Emily totally got inside my head and unfolded the craziness going on inside there recently. She says, “Maybe you are haunted with whispers that challenge and threaten: The work you do isn’t very important. You are ordinary, less-than, and unnoticed.” {p. 60}
Oh my word. I literally had tears in my eyes as I was re-reading the chapter this morning because Emily was able to put into words exactly how I had been feeling. And then the lie-erasing Truth: “It is not the nature of what you do that determines the spirituality of any action, but the origin of what you do.” And as if that’s not enough, she chases that down with this – “Who am I to decide what is extraordinary? The Father has already decided. He says He Himself is extraordinary. So anything I do as I depend on and partner with the Extraordinary One, I suppose that is extraordinary, too.” {p. 60-61}
To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me. {Colossians 1:29}
And what I haven’t been doing lately? Letting Him be the One responsible. Letting His power work within me, with His very own energy. Just like Emily, I “see myself as irreplaceable when I think that the work won’t get done unless I do it. Instead of looking to him to provide what is needed”, I take on “responsibility for things that may never have been meant” for me. {p. 63}
I am the queen of taking on responsibilities for things I was never ever meant to carry. I feel responsible for everything from my kids’ behavior to my husband’s happiness to how a guest feels in my home. And then some. It’s no wonder I am exhausted and weary and downright tired. I was never meant to labor this way.
But God. “He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmable.” {p. 65} This is one of my favorite lines from the entire book, by the way. We can choose to receive the gift of rest. And then we can give ourselves “permission to sit down on the inside and live like [we] have a God who knows what He’s doing.” {p. 65}
Amen and amen.
1. If I were Martha, I would have waited until Jesus left and then given Mary the silent treatment, only to finally blow up at her a few days later. What would you have done? I’m sure I would have pulled out my tried and trusty old friend, passive-aggressive, and worked silently around Mary, willing her to read my mind and my frustrations.
2. In what ways has your desire to please clouded your willingness to trust? In every way imaginable. If I think it is up to me, then I have only me to trust. Not a fun way to live.
3. While talking about the story of Martha and Mary, my friend Jennifer said this: “I wish there was a third sister. Because what if you aren’t working in the kitchen or sitting at Jesus’ feet? What if you’re asleep in the bedroom and you can’t seem to get up?” In what ways are you like Martha? Mary? The invisible other sister? I can be very much ordered about by my to-do list. I can become very task-oriented, just like Martha. And every now and then, I sneak over to Mary’s camp and I can just sit and listen and be. But then I feel guilty for that a la Martha and scurry back to my to-do list.
4. What is on your many things list? Are you able to focus on the one thing, or are you always doing one more thing? What if you gave your list to Jesus for a day? What would that day look like? I can uber-focus, where I just see my tasks and not much else. I’m not quite sure what it would look like if I handed over my to-do list to Jesus, but I know what it would feel like. Peace, at ease, simple, joyful.
Welcome back to week 2 & chapter 2 of our book study! If you’re just now joining us, no worries! You can go here to see our discussion about the introduction and chapter 1.
So chapter 2 – the chapter in which we realize how impossibly silly all our self-expectations are and how much of life we’ve lived hiding in our performance. Well, at least that was how this chapter went for me. ;)
Make sure you’ve got your steaming cup of whatever-makes-you-happy and maybe a cozy blanket…we’re going to be here for a while. ;)
Some snippets that really stuck out to me…
{} Emily says that performance pretty much boils down to me “being good” and you knowing it. {p. 25} Big ouch. I might need a band-aid for that one. But, seriously, isn’t that one of the main reasons we perform our way through life – so I can feel good about the good things I’m doing because you can see me being good and I’ll feel good about you seeing me being good. And repeat.
{} And this really resonated with me, “Instead of living free, I live safe.” {p. 27} Well, when you put it like that I would rather live free, thankyouverymuch.
{} I can totally identify with being”a prisoner to my own impossible expectation.” {p. 30} It does feel completely like a prison.
{} “Expectations rule the day. My disappointment or satisfaction with a situation rests entirely upon what I expected to happen. In all these situations, what I expected to happen was up to me.” {p. 32} Gah. I mean, really.
{} “But Jesus is calling you to a deeper, truer, freer identity. All he wants is simply you – minus your good works, minus your perfect attendance, minus your politeness.” {p.36} Oh yes. My good behavior does not matter. At all. I can’t perform my way into a better relationship with Jesus. Ever. Now let that sink if for a moment. Or seven. He loves you for you. Not for what you do or how you talk or all the homemade, whole food, organic, made-from-scratch meals you cooked this week. I’m sure He appreciates those things about you, but that’s not why He loves you. He loves you because you are the desire of His heart. You are the object of the affection between the Father, Jesus, and the Spirit. He loves you because He made you. He loves you simply because you are His. Think about your kids. Picture them right now in your head. Imagine one of them always uses their manners and never throws a fit and calmly goes to sleep every night without a fight. Now imagine another of your children does the opposite of all that. Does that make you love the well-behaved one more? Of course not. You love them because they are yours – flesh of your flesh, heart of your heart. And that’s exactly how God feels about you. Except even more and bigger and better because, well, He is God. I’m pretty sure He can out-love any of us parents. ;)
Turns out I was hiding a soap-box that I just clambered up on. I’ll step back off now. ;)
Now, on to the discussion questions…I’ll answer here but leave your answers in the comments! I can’t wait to hear what y’all have to say about this.
1. The way I defined being good in my life was overblown and exaggerated. Do you have a definition of good that may be twisted or irrational? What is it? Ha. Where do I begin? I think my definition of good includes {but is not limited to ;) } : I am always patient with my children, I play with them at each of their developmentally appropriate levels for hours at a time, I cook only with whole foods, I make everything from scratch, my house is always totally “company-ready” {read: perfectly clean and in order}, and every night I meet my husband at the door wearing just-right makeup and sexy jeans.
2. Describe your invisible good girl, good Christian, good wife, or good mom. What does she look like? Who does she sound like? How do you feel sitting next to her? My invisible good girl is just a meaner, more judge-y version of myself. She doesn’t speak very kindly to me and issues lots of you-should‘s and if-only-you-were‘s. She’s kind of catty. And pretty snobby. I don’t like her. ;)
3. What aspects of your performance are you unwilling to let go? What do you think will happen if you do let go? Hmm…if I’m really honest with myself, part of me can be unwilling to give up appearances – like the state of my house, how my kids are dressed, what it looks like and feels like in our home when someone comes over. Blegh. I don’t really like saying that out loud. That same part of me thinks that if I stop performing in those areas, everything will go “to hell in a hand basket” as my grandma used to say.
4. What does living safely look like for you? How would things be different if you could live free? Living safely means I never take risks, rarely have fun, and refuse to step outside my comfort zone most of the time. Living free – well, that’s all about living in the Spirit, now isn’t it? And though it most assuredly will be uncomfortable a lot of the time, I really would rather live free than live safe. And actually, we just think we’re “living safely”. True safety is a Person and His name is Jesus.
5. Read Psalm 139:14: “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” The thoughts we practice tend to become the truths we live. What thoughts do you tend to dwell on as a good girl? What does your soul know very well? Fear? Anxiety? Worry? Discontentment? What would it take for your soul to know love and acceptance? I can dwell on thoughts of not-good-enough and do-it-better. My soul knows self-judgemental thoughts very well. So what would it take for my soul to know love and acceptance? Well, I think we’re back to that same Person. An encounter with the One who blows all those silly thoughts out of the water and then lifts me off the flimsy raft I was on and sets me securely on the dry land of Himself.
Oh! I almost forgot…here’s the video Emily posted this week!
